Mommy Mack Update #1

*Just a warning this is a long post but I definitely think it's worth the read.*

So this post is different from the rest in the sense that I am currently, in the moment, dealing with a hard time. Normally I write my posts when my son is in bed for the night but right now, I just need to get some things off my chest. I just held/played with y son for the last hour and a half. Doesn't seem like a big deal. The issue is, he screamed at me for the entire time except for a couple minutes here and there. He is currently calm although I had to check on him 3 times just while my laptop was booting up. Even though he is finally calm I am still filled with emotion. He was with his dad for about an hour or so maybe a bit more I wasn't keeping track, when he started to get fussy. I assumed he needed food because it had been a couple of hours since he had last eaten. So I packed up what I was doing and told his dad to get a bottle ready. I took over and fed him, all is good. Then he cried until he burped. Then less than a minute later he was crying again. I changed his diaper. Fine again. Few minutes later, crying again, screaming like someone is hurting him. My son has a horrifically loud scream that I though was normal for the longest time until I heard other babies cry. My son screams like you're killing him every time he needs or wants anything. So he has been fed, burped, and changed. I check his hands and feet to be sure no hairs were wrapped around his digits, nothing. I try a soother and rocking to sleep, the screaming intensified. I held him up so he was "standing" on my knees. He "talked" to me calmly for about 5 minutes, even almost laughed. Out of the blue, he is screaming again! I stood up and started bouncing and walking around, crying got worse. I decided to sit him up on the bed because sometimes he likes to sit alone, he kept screaming. I sat in front of him and made all the noises he loves and eventually he calmed down. Not long lived. Screaming started again. At this point I am drained and becoming partially sad and partially frustrated. I put him in his crib with a soother and turned on his mobile. This sometimes helps. I grabbed my laptop and started booting it up, and as I said before I had to go to him 3 times before I even started typing because he kept getting upset. Finally, he fell asleep in his crib, by himself.

Moral of this story, sometimes it really is best to put the baby in a safe space and walk away. Sometimes it fixes the situation and sometimes it just gives you a break from the screaming. Today I was lucky enough that he fell asleep and the problem fixed itself. Most times however, I get maybe a 5-10 minute break to collect my feelings, work through them, and go back to being mom and doing everything I can to make him feel better. Today I got an easy fix thankfully and it turns out he was very tired. Sometimes trying to put my son to sleep results in a lot of screaming and a lot of tears as it just did before writing this post. He is 3 and a half months old and is already starting to want to soothe himself to sleep rather than he cuddling him and rocking him.

So, if you're a new mom or about to be a mom and you're reading this. Don't let people tell you "Don't rock the baby to sleep or they will never go to sleep on their own." that is not the case. Cherish the moments when the baby is young and wants your cuddles and wants to be rocked. Those moments don't last forever and they become independent so quickly. It won't be long until they don't need you anymore and that is the most heartbreaking part of today's story. I would rather have to hold my baby while he screams and be able to be the one to calm him, rather than him be screaming because he just wants to do it himself and no longer needs me. Even through all the post partum depression, I want to be his one and only and that is slowly fading away day by day. In these times I sure miss him being a newborn that just wanted cuddles 24/7. I truly miss him sleeping on my chest, which he hasn't done in weeks. I miss my little baby. But, I love watching him grow and learn new things everyday. The more he learns and the more he develops, the more I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I am a good mom and I am doing right by him. He is an absolute angel and no matter how big and grown up he gets, he will always be my baby boy and my first born. I can't say it enough, cherish those first few moments, days, weeks, where all they need is you. It's a draining time in your life but it is so short lived and by 3 months old, the baby won't even look like the one you gave birth to. My son has developed his own look and his own little personality and I enjoy watching him grow. I know these screaming fits also won't last and that's what keeps me going.

Stay strong mamas, they grow fast and these phases of life don't last long. I know I've said it a lot. But, I heard it so much in the beginning and I didn't believe anyone. In the beginning I couldn't get any work done around the house and I barely had time to eat because my son always wanted to be held. Those days are long gone now and I really, really miss it. He was so small and innocent and only cried when he needed something. Now I deal with multiple screaming matches a day. But, at the end of it all, no matter what, I love him and he loves me. At this phase you have to pay attention to the small things. Babies this young can't talk and tell you they need you or that they love you. But when I walk into a room my son lights up. If someone is holding my son and he hears my voice, he looks for me. He stares at me when he is in the arms of someone he doesn't know well. He trusts that if things go south I am right there to take him back into my arms. Those are the ways he shows he loves me. No words needed Rhys. Mommy hears you loud and clear.

Below is a picture of my son in the hospital when he was first born, and then a recent one of him being a whole 3 and a half moths old. I know I posted the second one one on another post but it's my most recent photo of Rhys.